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[ he doesn't want renji to worry, but at the same time... he did make that promise to not withhold his feelings, so... ]

i'm in my room thing

[ the bubble room thing, that is. ]

Comin.

[ Renji wastes no time, darting back to the cluster of dwellings in a blur of motion. His reiatsu flares like a beacon as he approaches, so when he appears just outside the bubble dwelling it's not out of the blue. Keigo can pinpoint him anyway, he's sure, but still.

His expression is serious when he steps up to the room, searching Keigo's face through the transparent walls even before he pushes open the hatch entrance. ]

[ renji would see keigo sitting on the edge of the bed. an oddly well-made bed, with not a single corner of sheet misaligned. just like any other time, keigo felt renji's approach before he actually saw him, but he only lifted his head once he was certain he was right there. the sound of the door hatch open was deafening in the small space, but keigo didn't flinch.

he just looked up at renji with an oddly shaky expression, eyes wide and lips parted slightly. ]

You... you remember everything, right?

[ Renji froze when Keigo looked up at him, rooted for a moment a few steps away from the bed and even more firmly in his concern. That look felt all wrong on Keigo. He could count the times he'd seen Keigo's familiar smile falter on one hand.

So the significance of the question wasn't lost on him. The reply was instant, the kind that he hoped could leave no room for doubt. ]

Yeah.

[ After a moment's pause, he gestured to the bubbled room, looking for tangible evidence to something so abstract. ] I'm here, ain't I?

[ somewhere in keigo's mind, he knew he was being unreasonable. of course renji remembered. why else would he be there now? but there was such a deep rooted panic and despair roused in him that it was difficult to accept without first confirming.

it seemed to suffice, to a point. keigo's eyes bore into renji for a lingering moment before he's lips quirked into an uneven smile, fragile and shaky. ]

Y-yeah. Yeah, you are.

[ keigo laughed a little, quietly, before leaning against the bed, slowly edging close to the end. ]

C-can you come here? Please?

[ Whatever stupor had overcome Renji cleared at Keigo's request. He jolted, as if just realizing that he'd been arrested by the look of devastation on his face. ]

Sure. Right.

[ There wasn't much grace in how Renji immediately walked up to the bed and sat next to Keigo, but he'd have to be given points for haste.

Renji settled close enough that their knees touched before he leaned forward, returning Keigo's intense gaze with his own. His fingers thread together in his lap, uneasy and bad at hiding it. ]

Keigo, what's going on?

[ he didn't like doing this to renji. being dramatic and prolonging the situation had to be tiring on him. but the truth was that keigo was so shaken it was difficult to be anything but dramatic.

as renji sat beside him, keigo almost instantly scooted closer, as if it was actually necessary. he didn't know what else to do with himself, other than share in renji's presence.

after a moment, keigo spoke up. his voice was softer, a distinct waver indicating that he was likely on the verge of tears. and there was a marked heaviness to the words he spoke, as if getting them past his tongue took insurmountable effort: ]

Sougo's here.

[ Renji tried to not speculate about what had Keigo so distraught. His worries would run wild with scenarios if he let them, and he could spare himself some grief if he just waited for Keigo. Even if he took the long way round, working past his fears and doubts about his troubles being a burden, he always told him in the end. So Renji let the warm weight of him press into his side and watched him until he could gather his thoughts, marshal his strength.

The answer wasn't quite what he expected. ]

Osaka's here?

[ And then Renji put it all together. ] ...Okay.

[ The lacing of his fingers tightened, his frown deepening. He wasn't as close to Sougo as Keigo was, but his first taste of being forgotten at the whims of some cosmic force was strange and melancholy. A small fraction of the turmoil that Keigo was experiencing. That audible quiver in his voice was holding back a torrent of emotion, he was sure.

Only a few seconds of silent contemplation passed before Renji's arm lifted, skimming across Keigo's back before coming to his shoulders. He drew him into a half-embrace, the distance between them closing down to nothing. He didn't know what to say, what words he could string together that would ease his obvious distress, but he could be here. Keigo told him that was enough once, he hoped it still was. ]

[ keigo hated this inordinate focus on himself in these moments, but he was still working through it to allow himself to be more emotionally vulnerable to renji in this way. he owed it to him, after all, and keigo didn't want to impart any implication of not being transparent with him.

but it was still so difficult. he thought about all the time he spent with sougo, all the emotions and shared feelings and support they gave each other. it was all gone. wiped away as if it never happened. all the effort and all the investment, like dust in the wind.

it made everything feel futile.

but renji was there, and renji was imparting to him the support he craved and desperately needed in that moment. he felt the comforting weight of his hand against his back and shoulders, and it was like a lever had been pulled, one that had been too rusted and lodged for keigo to have moved on his own. it let out the deluge of emotions he had been keeping so tightly in check the moment he left sougo's presence in the form of a shuddering sound and an emotional release of tears. ]

He doesn't remember me...! [ he tried to keep his voice tempered, but the overwhelming sense of loss was too great. ] It's like I never existed! Why doesn't he remember? [ he lifted his head up and stared at renji, eyes shining with tears and jaw set into a tight grimace. ] Why do you remember but he doesn't? [ he really ... didn't know if he wanted and answer to that, in all honesty. ]

[ Renji felt the aftershocks of that tremor as Keigo finally allowed himself to cry. They spread through his body and shook his heart, a ripple of dismay as the tears began to flow. Renji did ask for this. He did want Keigo to be honest with him, to unburden himself of the worries he usually locked up and downplayed. But it pained him nonetheless seeing his eyes glossy and brimming and hearing his voice cracked and threaded with sorrow. His grip around his shoulder tensed.

Keigo held Renji's gaze when their eyes met, and he stumbled looking for an explanation he didn't have. ]

Maybe because I'm not human. [ Although that didn't seem right when not being human didn't make him immune from being taken on a multiversal ride the same as the rest of them. ]

Or 'cause we came at the same time. [ Although that implied that if they didn't, at least one of them would forget, and Renji didn't want to believe that. ]

...I don't know. [ The truth, coming after some deliberation and said as softly as a man like him could say it. ]

But I do remember. [ The emphasis was strong, unwavering, as solid as his arm around Keigo. ] And even if he doesn't, it ain't as if it didn't happen.

[ as renji provided possible explanations, keigo came to realize that the answer didn't matter. it wouldn't make sense unless someone in control of the situation actually provided details and these people had no idea why the so-called "moonblessed" were even here as it was. no one would be able to provide an answer sufficient enough to sate his sorrow and curiosity.

but what did matter was that renji was there, trying to assuage the pain he felt as best he could. even if his words weren't in the vein of anything concrete or could provide any real closure to him, the fact that he was there at all, reassuring him of his own memory, helped considerably.

though it may not appear that way, with how distraught keigo was. his lip trembled as renji gave him that emphasis, the strength of his touch weighing down on him comfortably. keigo leaned in and pressed his forehead against renji's chest, his hands curling against his clothing. ]

It's not fair... It's not fair...! [ a truly childish refrain, but keigo felt so betrayed... though by whom, he couldn't say. ] This keeps happening to me and I don't know what I'll do if it happens again...!

[ Every note of Keigo's voice was wrought with such misery that Renji's lips pressed thin just hearing it. His fingers twisting in his clothes felt like they were coiling around his chest, almost crushing it with a feeling of hopelessness. There was nothing he could do for Keigo and no explanations he could muster, no way of stopping of this happening again. (Yet, always yet, because Renji was determined to find out what the fuck was going on for both their sakes.) The best he could offer was some paltry words and a place to cry. But even if it's the only thing he had for Keigo, he would give it. ]

Keigo. [ Renji's voice was low, his name a tether he cast out to draw Keigo back before he sank further into despair and remind him again that he hadn't forgotten. ] I know it ain't fair. But you're not going crazy, all the things that happened to you really happened. Everything that you weathered, everything that's made you stronger than you think.

[ Aizen, Tsukishima, everything the station had thrown at him, everything here. By his standards, Keigo was a slightly more than ordinary human, but that made all the times his body and his heart didn't break from the strain of living with one foot sunk into the miasma of the extraordinary even more amazing.

His hand closed over Keigo's, trying to comfort him with his touch when he knew the words wouldn't suffice. ] ...So if it happens again, believe me, you're gonna be okay.

[ Renji's cheek dipped to rest on the crown of Keigo's head, his hand squeezing his shoulder. He could see the snow-crusted trees outside, the gentle fall of white flakes, the light of other room bubbles faint and obscured by branches. Public as they could be, but when Keigo was with him he felt like they were alone together. ]

But if you need me, just call.

Edited 2019-06-23 05:26 (UTC)

[ keigo hadn't considered how this might be affecting renji, listening to him go on and on about his fears and concerns, as irrational as they could be. he knew renji was essentially powerless to stop this sort of thing from happening, but he also couldn't blame him for that state of powerlessness, either. he hardly expected renji to have an answer or solution for him... though that did serve to make the situation feel all the more hopeless.

but somehow, renji knew how to turn things around for keigo's state of mind. while it was true he couldn't reverse whatever damage had been done, renji still had the ability to make keigo realize the strength he still held even in spite of all of this. it was obvious in his tone that he had a great deal of faith in him, which in and of itself was humbling. but what made it truly solidify in his mind was how renji was so willing to come down to his lowly level and pull him back up again. be it with words or with his affectionate touch, keigo could practically feel the care and concern emanating from renji.

so keigo's tears may have continued to roll down his cheeks, but the frantic sobbing and desperate grasping for clarity slowly ebbed away. his breathing regulated to shuddering huffs, the grip to his hands slacking just enough to signal a calm sinking into him.

there was silence for a moment as keigo just allowed himself to exist within renji's presence, protected by his embrace and concern for someone as undeserving as he was. ]

...you really have that much faith in me?

[ Renji hardly even breathed as he let Keigo cling onto him, only releasing a sigh when he felt the tremble through his body ease, the stifled sobs turn quiet, the slack in his tight hold on his clothes. He didn't know what else to say to him, acutely aware that words could only soothe so much, so he was quiet until Keigo spoke again.

The question caught him off-guard, but his reply was immediate. ]

Yeah.

[ The tone made it sound like the answer was obvious. Renji leaned back, pulling Keigo aside just enough to encourage him to look up at his face. His eyebrows were drawn in a frown, concerned and grave at the same time. ]

Why wouldn't I?

[ Unlike when Renji revealed his affectionate, this admission did not produce a twist of embarrassment. It seemed natural to him, that Keigo would persevere no matter what cosmic forces conspired to do to him. He already had. ]

[ he hadn't meant to draw renji's concern again with his question, given that it was more or less instinctual than any sort of rooted doubt in what renji was saying. it was just... still hard to conceptualize.

so he looked at renji with a sort of confused gaze, his own brows knit together slightly until he enforce himself to relax again. ]

Sorry, I just still find it surprising how much faith you put into me... It's really flattering, but I worry I'm gonna end up proving you wrong or something one day.

[ keigo reached over and grasped renji's hand, giving it a squeeze. ]

You really give me something to work toward so... the idea of disappointing you is kinda scary.

[ Renji gave a short squeeze back, the warmth of their touch flowing up his arm. His gaze softened, his voice taking on an almost tender quality. ]

You don't have to worry about that. There ain't any way you could disappoint me.

[ Honestly, Renji felt like if one of them was going to turn out to be a disappointment, it'd be him. Renji hardly measured up to his own expectations, hyper aware of all his deficits as a man. He didn't know how he measured up to Keigo's expectations, how he earned this much adoration from him considering Keigo saw so many sides of him he wished he hadn't seen. ]

Just keep livin' your life.

[ It was a deceptive thing to say, a short directive that encompassed so much. Asking Keigo to live meant asking him to fight. Fight the sorrow, the hopelessness, the loss of control. It meant asking him to keep being vulnerable and maybe letting his heart get broken again and again. It might be too unreasonable for him to ask after all that Keigo had been through. Surely everyone had a limit to what they could endure before exhaustion and despair set in. Renji knew that better than most men.

But knowing just made him more sure that if anyone had the strength to bear the absurdities of living, Keigo would. Because after all the ordeals he'd been through, he still sometimes smiled so bright that he could clear storms and light the sky. That was enough on its own for Renji to regard him with admiration. ]

[ they were birds of a feather, then. keigo didn't feel he lived up to any expectations, through no fault of anyone but himself. having a shinigami, a being of inherent and elevated status compared to a lowly human, put so much faith in him was difficult to wrap his mind around at times. much like accepting and understanding the love between them and how real it was.

though love certainly healed much of keigo's proverbial wounds. it didn't really take much, but renji provided an abundance that keigo could revel in. for that alone, keigo already felt like he could take on anything to preserve it. ]

I'm sure I could find a way... [ the amusement was pretty clear on his voice, though it was more muted than anything else. the sorrow still hung heavily overhead, but there was definitely a bittersweetness to it. so long as renji was there for him, he'd survive. ]

[ There it was, Keigo already pulling himself together even when it seemed like his heart might shatter. His playful reply was akin to a few beams of sunlight piercing the veil of clouds lingering after the downpour. Renji returned the levity in his own way, his tone brusque and slightly dismissive, an attempt at something routine. Still, he smiled a little seeing Keigo's eyes had gone dry. ]

Don't work too hard tryna prove me wrong.

[ This, at least, was one disagreement where Renji was sure that he was right.

Renji kept his arm drawn over Keigo's back, holding him close even now to make sure there was no doubt in his steadfast devotion. As incompatible as they were on paper, they fit neatly together side by side. ]

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