renji ❝ sᴡɪss ᴅᴀᴅᴅʏ ᴋɴɪғᴇ ❞ abarai (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
reachingfangs) wrote2018-01-08 12:54 pm
reachingfangs) wrote2018-01-08 12:54 pmlagunbiru inbox
text / audio / video / action
reachingfangs) wrote2018-01-08 12:54 pm
text / audio / video / action
no subject
memory. ]
...when I first got here, i spoke to ishida. i was shocked to see him, but he wasn't especially shocked to see me.
[ this part. this was what made keigo want to curl under his covers and question the state of his mind: ]
he said to me that... i'd been here before. months before. and that i "came back."
[ if renji was still tracking keigo's reiatsu, he might start to notice uneasy fluctuations as he continued: ]
i don't remember any of that. and it scares me.
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He couldn't even begin to understand what that meant, for this to be Keigo's second go around the station, even if he never remembered it. Maybe this whole place was all a lie, like he'd suspected. There was no guarantee of which card would be their last, after all. It could just be a gilded cage for some dark purpose, or no purpose at all, and nobody ever left. They just forgot that they'd ever come here. Had he been here before, and then just forgotten? Or was it that alternate world stuff that he didn't understand?
What broke him out of his wild, tangential speculation was Keigo's reiatsu, wavering and spiking in random peaks. He could practically reach out and touch Keigo's fear from where he was. ]
I'm coming over.
[ It was abrupt, but he didn't care. This wasn't something he could talk about on some stupid glowing screen.
When he arrived at Keigo's door, signalling his approach with his usual impatient knock if his reiatsu didn't give it away, his hair was still damp, a red a few shades darker and clinging about his neck and shoulders. He still smelled like the pool too, a vague mix of floral masks and chemical additives, but he couldn't let this conversation wait any longer than he had getting ready. ]
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so renji's clearly non-negotiable plans weren't met with surprise, but with a resigned sort of defeat. keigo had sighed when he read it, sent off an accepting "alright" in response, and... waited.
he knew where renji was, as always. it was never a surprise. less so when he let his mind drift, let himself access that field of vision that had taken him quite by surprise the first time he'd happened across it by accident. ribbons, scores of them, dangled from the air in his room, but one in particular received keigo's direct attention: the only red one there. keigo's fingers coiled around it as he sat on his couch, staring straight ahead as he practically watched renji approach.
so by the time renji had knocked, keigo was already on his feet and halfway to the door, nearly mindless in the way he moved. it was like he was on a track, opening the door to look at renji.
that was surprising. he looked wet... was he bathing? a moment later and keigo realized he must have been swimming; the scent was unmistakable and nostalgic. but that wasn't important, was it? keigo's dazed state resulted in a slight delay, one where he hesitantly shifted to the side, almost like he felt embarrassed for everything. ]
Um. Hi.
[ ribbon still in hand, coiled between his fingers. ]
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I don't understand. How could you've been here before and then not remember? How would they—
[ His gaze moved slowly from nothing, to Keigo's expression, to the red ribbon twisting in his hands. He stopped, and his hand dropped to his chest. ]
How...
[ His mouth parted, but no other words came out and he was frozen for a considerable length of time, gawking at the ribbon.
Somehow, Renji thought that he'd exhausted all the possible secrets Keigo had. He figured that he'd gotten to know Keigo reasonably well these past few months, after being forced close both emotionally and physically, learning of his odd abilities and the quiet fears and anxieties he held onto and the dreams he had for the future. He felt like he knew him even more intimately after the VR incident. But here he was again, taken by surprise by him.
Maybe Keigo hadn't meant to keep this particular skill a secret, but that only amplified his shock that he could use reiraku this casually, not only visualizing the ribbons but even touching them. He'd be impressed if he wasn't so numbly astonished. ]
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this was entirely on accident, and it was obvious by the way keigo shirked away, drawing in on himself. as if he was spooked, the ribbons disappeared in a quick flash, leaving the room as it was meant to be seen. keigo looked positively embarrassed, especially with how renji gaped at him as though he'd grown another head or something. ]
...I don't know.
[ that was the simple answer to both of renji's questions, but keigo decided to address the more immediate one first. ]
I realized I could do that when I was ...
[ he hesitated. it wasn't often that he talked so openly about things like this, especially when they pertained to people from home. but regardless, he continued: ]
...When I was tracking Ichigo one day. It was an accident. I guess I was just concentrating or something. I don't... normally have to.
[ after all, tracking reiatsu came naturally to him, as odd as keigo had begun to realize it was. ]
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It took a few more attempts before Renji could force words out of his mouth, and even then they came in stops and starts. ]
How much haven't you—? I— We—are definitely talkin' more about this later!
[ That answer wasn't nearly enough to satisfy Renji's curiosity, but it would have to do temporarily because that's not even the bombshell that he'd come here for today.
He inhaled deeply, trying to marshal together some calm and failing. If only Ishida were on the station now, or in the habit of telling Renji anything at all, he might have been able to shed some light on this. As it was, Renji only had his own theories. ]
So... he was sure you were here before?
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as for the core of the issue, keigo nodded and slowly moved to sit down on the couch again. he lifted his gaze up for long enough to invite renji to join him, if he so desired. keigo felt so tired, standing seemed like too much. ]
Yeah. You know how Ishida is, I'm sure. He's never not certain about what he says. [ keigo stared at the floor, then snorted in a way that could almost be mistaken for fondness. ] If he had any doubts, he wouldn't have said it at all.
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Yeah, he wouldn't.
[ It was a long shot question anyway. Some filler as he tried to sift through a hundred other questions that all seemed just as self-evident and pointless now.
While Keigo might have felt exhausted, Renji was too wired to sit down. There was a lot of information for him to process all at once and he set to pacing to release some tension, his sandals making soft-sounding thwaps on the floor. If it made him look anxious, well, he damn well was. He tried to swallow his own concerns, that this wasn't his first go around the ship either and nobody had bothered to tell him. Occasionally, he shot a worried look at Keigo. ]
But then I dunno why they'd mess with your memory just to make you think you didn't used to be here. Especially if you were gonna find out.
[ He said it to the air, mostly to himself. He knew already that this place had the ability to make them believe whatever virtual illusion it wanted, but it was always temporary and usually for kinky purposes. This was, at least, not all that temporary and the only purpose seemed to be as psychological torture, which admittedly he wouldn't put past some creep watching them to enjoy. ]
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I don't know. But what I can tell you is that I've seen it happen to other people before.
[ and this was the hard part: actually talking about it. ]
People I've made friends with here... they've been here before and left. I knew them both times.
[ keigo breathed out sharply. thinking about aoba in that way, in a past tense, was exceedingly difficult. he still ached from the day he realized aoba was gone. still tried to see if he'd show up again, even if he knew the chances of him remembering were... slim. ]
It was one thing to be told that I've been here before and apparently forgot it, but actually seeing proof? It's been bothering me for most of this year. It's... I don't know why my memory keeps getting fucked with. It's making me think I'm losing it.
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Renji felt painfully dull, trying to piece these revelations together. And he couldn't shake the defeated feeling that he wasn't the right person to tell this to. Even if he thought and paced for a hundred years, there was no way that he could figure out why people came and disappeared and returned brand new to the station or why Keigo seemed to be such a magnet for getting his head fucked around in, other than extremely bad luck. There was no guarantee that knowing the answer would even make Keigo feel better.
Stopping halfway into another circuit across the room, Renji fixed Keigo with a long stare. ]
You ain't losin' it.
[ He crossed the room in long strides to stand in front of Keigo again. His hands uncrossed from over his chest, and one settled on his shoulder. ]
You can't be going crazy if it ain't just you that this shit happened to.
[ It sounded like a weak consolation, even to his ears, but he tried to put conviction in his voice. If he wasn't any good as a detective, he could at least try to be a better confidant. ]
They're tryna fuck with you, just like they always do. I dunno why... But I know Tsukishima did, and now he's gone and you're still here.
[ Renji squeezed his shoulder, his eyes still steady on him. If there was something he learned to appreciate about human beings after getting to know a few of them, it was their resiliency. They bloomed and withered in a heartbeat, but even after being torn or trampled or uprooted, they stretched towards sunlight. ]
And I know you're gonna be okay.
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he sighed softly, leaning into his palms and snaking his fingers through his hair. his eyes squeezed shut, a grimace pulled at his lips, and he considered just telling renji to forget it—
but the heavy weight of renji's palm interrupted any inclination to do so. keigo's eyes opened as he listened to renji, took in every word with an increasing sense of belonging that he yearned for. renji was being genuine, telling keigo not just what he wanted to hear, but what he needed to hear. his heart fluttered in his chest as renji's fingers closed around his shoulder, and keigo tilted his head upward, hands slowly sinking back down against his knees.
tears welled in his eyes. whether renji realized it or not (bets were on "not"), that combination of reassurance and genuine care was what keigo needed. and the tears were the evidence of that overwhelming emotion: gratitude. ]
Th... thank you, Renji. Thank you.
[ keigo felt those tears well up, rolling down his face liberally. if anything, he was in touch enough with his emotions to not be too ashamed by the display. he probably would find reason to be humiliated after the fact, such as when he decided to stand up and close the distance between them.
keigo's arms slipped around renji's waist and his face pressed against his chest. his voice was muffled, but it was clear he was crying, overwhelmed with frustration, fear, and that sense of belonging renji bestowed upon him.
with a shuddering sound, keigo continued his thought, hands tight at renji's back. ]
But the reason I've been okay so far is because of you.
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And so he was pinned in place by Keigo's brimming eyes, his upturned face. Renji was never good at dealing with people crying in front of him. He was even more inept when they started crying because of him. It was an outward manifestation of his powerlessness, how no matter how well he fought, how hard he trained, he couldn't keep the tears from flowing.
His hand slipped from Keigo's shoulder as he gathered enough strength to take a short, unsteady step back, giving him room to weep. He was about to take another to put some distance between Keigo and the cause of his tears when Keigo thanked him.
Renji exhaled slowly, thawing as his posture went from guilt rigid to relieved. His mouth scarcely began to form the question, "For what?" before Keigo's arms drew around him. ]
Uh...
[ He held his arms out as Keigo buried into his chest for lack of knowing what else to do with them, allowing him to cling tight against him. He could feel the sobs as they shook Keigo's shoulders and seemed to echo in his chest. He wondered at how long he'd kept all this fear and doubt to himself, always in the back of his mind, how exhausting it must have been.
After some hesitation, he closed his arms over his back. He meant to let him have a couple seconds to compose himself before nudging him away for the sake of both their dignities. He meant to, and then Keigo said that. Renji peered down at his soft, dark hair, all he could see from his vantage point. ]
Me? I didn't do anything.
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so perhaps in a way, renji did make keigo cry. but it wasn't all despair. it was relief, a feeling of safety that he rarely experienced. he didn't want to let it go.
renji's apprehension was perhaps not misplaced. the rarity of keigo's self-reflection meant that even keigo wasn't sure how to continue the conversation. he was already fumbling, even without having said a word yet. it wasn't until he felt renji's arms close around him did he see the pathway open up, aligning his thoughts and merging them into words.
keigo lifted his head, looking up at renji, eyes still watery and tears still sliding down his cheeks. ]
You don't need to do anything, is the thing. You being here is enough. [ keigo bowed his head a bit, perhaps the result of burgeoning shame. his fingers clenched at renji's back, a small signal that he was hesitant to let go. ] Every day that you talk to me and... every day that you remember my name is enough. But I'm still afraid...
[ keigo's lips tightened back, revealing a painful grimace. his voice wavered and he shut his eyes, shaking his head slowly. ]
I'm afraid you'll forget. Or I'll forget. I don't... I don't want to forget anything between us. I don't want to lose you.
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His eyebrows furrowed further, although he said nothing because he was still trying to find his bearings as he was once again immobilized by the steady flow of tears down Keigo's cheeks. Even knowing that he wasn't crying out of misery, it still made his heart clench and his tongue go leaden in his mouth.
Renji recovered quickly though, it's one of his strong suits. There was no hesitation in his reply. ]
I won't forget.
[ There's something so adamant in his tone of voice and in his arms that unconsciously pulled tighter around Keigo that make it sound like a fact and not just reassurance. His hands moved up to his shoulders again, grasping him and pushing him back just far enough to see his tear-streaked face and stare into his eyes, still glistening. They'd be puffy and red soon and he felt sore just looking at them. ]
I won't.
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they blindsided him just as swiftly. but the difference here was that keigo could choose to articulate them, rather than just experience them and wait for the results. there was an ebb and flow to the emotions he held, and right then, as renji spoke, keigo felt them subside, replaced by surprise and nearly disbelief.
he spoke with such conviction, so assuredly. that conviction flowed through the embrace he returned, just as equally shocking to keigo in that moment as anything else. he blinked once, tears slipping away and finally dissipating as he watched renji with anticipation. in that daze, renji had graduated to another maneuver, holding him at arm's length and snapping keigo's attention right back, like a rubber band.
the fear in his chest dispersed outward, and in its place, another feeling of warmth. different than before, this warmth caught keigo's breath in his throat, made his heart flutter once, twice. he could only stare back at renji, totally taken and invested in this unspoken promise.
why did he feel such longing when renji was right there in front of him?
the seconds dragged on and soon, keigo realized he needed to say something to prevent any misconceptions about how he felt. keigo took in a shuddering breath, exhaled again, then ... he smiled. it was a foolish thing to say, keigo knew it logically. there was absolutely no way that renji could confirm without a doubt that he would remember... perhaps that was why he yearned: anticipation of something he truly coveted being torn from just beyond his reach.
perhaps what keigo asked next wasn't fair, perhaps it was greedy, but he couldn't help himself. he reached up and touched renji's wrist, his fingers almost shyly ghosting up to the back of his hand. he squeezed him there, daring to try and snake his fingers around it. ]
...Any of it?
[ realistically, they couldn't pick and choose, but keigo wanted to gauge where he stood, what he aligned to in renji's mind. ]
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His patience was rewarded when Keigo's smile lit up his face and seemed to emit a glow that he could almost feel reflecting inside of him. His grip slackened a little as his muscles uncoil from their anxious tension. Renji gave a short smile back, before Keigo's fingers curled up over his wrists, enclosing them. His grip tightened again at his touch.
Renji nodded sharply, lips setting in a hard, determined line. ]
Any of it.
[ Although after answering his mind, suddenly, unbidden, presented a highlight reel of every obscene image of Keigo that his memory had filed away. Keigo and his flushed skin against pure white lace, and his hot tongue tracing the jagged edges of his tattoos, and his fingertips turning warm and then cold as they worked their way up his chest. He fought to keep the colour off his cheeks, but blood rushed to his face no matter how he willed it anywhere else and painted it a slight shade of pink as he looked askance.
But he meant it. He didn't want to forget anything. Not even that humiliating day on the beach. There were things he wished he could have done differently, but he would never want to forget them. His dissatisfaction drove him, lashing at his heels so he didn't become complacent, so he learned even if he had to have a few more regrets before the lesson sank in.
Besides, in his time with Keigo there was very little he regretted. ]
So if you forget... I'll make you remember.
[ The flush didn't subside, but his gaze turned back from the absent way he cast it aside and on to Keigo, sharpening as he stared at his still too bright eyes. ]
Because this... [ His right hand lifted from his shoulder and created a fist between them that bumped first Keigo's chest and then his own. ] ...exists, no matter what.
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...but renji didn't hesitate. there was no trace of uncertainty in his expression, even as that color slowly flooded into view on his cheeks. in turn, keigo's mind also took to certain images, associating the way renji blushed with the playback of those experiences he'd figured he'd want to forget, if given the chance. and just as renji's face started to redden, so did keigo's; it was honestly not entirely what he meant to put focus on, but he couldn't deny it was part of it.
but lingering on the embarrassment was impossible as renji continued to express how he felt about the matter. even though keigo knew that renji cared, that renji wanted what was best for him, for whatever reason, it always returned a shock to his system whenever he vocalized that sentiment. that renji would even think so highly of their bond, a bond to a lowly human, made keigo's heart swell with adoration.
the bump of his fist between them radiated in his chest, resonating within him long after his touch had left. keigo's fingers slipped from renji's wrist. he was quite honestly speechless. no one... no one had ever been so adamant about anything regarding him before. it almost hurt how wonderful it felt to be accepted and wanted in someone's life.
and though keigo had just finished crying, he couldn't stop another flow of tears from coming to the surface. this time around, at least, keigo perhaps didn't look as distraught. his expression brightened, even as the tears rolled down his cheeks, even as his lower lip trembled. and rather than stand there and stare at renji like an idiot, keigo decided to do what he did best in moments of high emotion: throw himself forward at the first person within range.
unfortunately, that meant renji was going to get keigo launched at him at full force, arms wrapped around his neck. ]
Renji!! That's so heartfelt!!
[ keigo sobbed, pressing up against renji to the point of being on the balls of his feet. ]
No one's ever been so devoted to me before!! I promise I won't let you forget, either!! I'll make sure you'll remember no matter what!!
[ even though keigo knew, deep down, he couldn't actually guarantee that, the more idealistic and romantic side of him was in control now, riding the waves of his emotions. ]
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Renji's face turned to an even deeper shade of red, embarrassed to have laid his heart so bare for Keigo and even more embarrassed for Keigo to reciprocate with such a lavishly affectionate and emotional response. He didn't know why he expected anything halfway dignified from him, why he thought he could leave it at a smile and a nod and maybe not sob again. He didn't know why this totally sappy display made him so happy either, or why Keigo's promise that he'd make him remember rang so sweetly in his ears.
It wasn't even a second after Keigo had finished that Renji grabbed his forearms and pried him off with all his considerable strength. ]
Heartfelt my ass, I was just tellin' you the truth!!
[ Between the flush on his face and the way his brows drew together and how loudly he was protesting, the only clue that he wasn't angry was the look in his eyes, soft and warm and with a trace of concern. His grip on his arms slackened just a touch as his eyes met Keigo's but his hands didn't leave him. ]
Like I said... you can rely on me.
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but he also knew that he wasn't going to get away with hugging renji like this forever. as predicted, renji pulled himself free, but that didn't dampen keigo's mood. instead, he looked just as elated as ever, to the point of giggling happily even as renji held them apart. it really didn't take much to bring keigo happiness, and even less to earn his trust. what renji provided was more than keigo could have ever hoped or asked for.
keigo looked up at renji, eyes still moist and glossy, but no real trace of sadness left. relief was the main motif of his expression, chased by gratitude and unfiltered adoration. he smiled, watching as renji's face flushed in that adorably flustered manner and how he tried to sound annoyed despite the look in his eyes.
keigo's heart fluttered again.
breathing in, he nodded, taking renji's words to heart. with a soft exhale, he finally responded with words rather than tears or laughter. ]
I never doubted that. I honestly rely on you all the time... even...
[ now it was keigo's turn to be a little embarrassed. he looked to one side and laughed, feeling his face turn red. ]
Even when you don't realize it.
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Still, Renji couldn't think of a precise moment in time when he went from fellow expatriates and inmates to a friend. To someone who he couldn't stand to see miserable. To someone who he would spout all the stupid, saccharine, secret feelings in his heart for if it would mean he'd just stop crying and smile again.
It could have been when Keigo confessed that he'd confronted Aizen on his own and, through his disbelief, Renji realized that they had a lot more in common than he thought. It could have been the first time they'd gone drinking together and they fell into easy, relaxed banter that they'd continue every week after that. It may have been the time Keigo confessed to feeling safe around him and Renji later decided that he wanted it to stay that way. Maybe it was from the very beginning, when Keigo walked into that classroom and recognized him immediately and he felt like he wasn't entirely alone here.
Whenever it was, Renji knew that he wasn't about to lose this to some aliens. They'd taken so much from him already and he had to hold on to every last thing he got.
Renji's hand slipped over Keigo's arms before parting from him entirely, the colour fading from his face until what was left on his expression was a small smile and a searching look in his eyes as he tried to root out any traces of anxiety on his face. Finding none, he sighed out under his breath, shoulders slumping down to a more relaxed curve that immediately snapped back into a taut line when Keigo spoke. ]
Really? How so?
[ Curiosity sparked in his eyes. He liked to think it was pretty difficult for a human to pull one over him, even an exceptional human like Keigo. ]
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and no more obvious than the way he was able to pick up on his reiatsu so easily. a part of him that was always nearby, something keigo could practically reach out and touch.
a habit had formed and now he was left addicted.
the heat of shame colored keigo's skin as renji prodded further, his question feeling heavier than keigo would have liked. of course, to be fair, keigo had been the one to open the door in the first place. it was only natural that renji would step in once invited. ]
Mmn, well...
[ keigo breathed out softly, his eyes shutting shortly after. he was silent for a moment as he sought out renji's reiatsu and then brought form to it. the ribbons materialized again and keigo opened his eyes, reaching forward to grasp the only red one there. ]
...Like this.
[ he looked ashamed, positively shy and uncertain as he looked up at renji. a lopsided smile pulled at his lips, his brow knit as though he expected a reprimand. ]
When I feel ... upset or worried, I do this. I find you, I hold onto this until I feel better. So I've already relied on you plenty.
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If he was being honest, he had forgotten that he'd walked in on Keigo right in the middle of performing reiraku. A lot of thoughts flew out of his head the moment Keigo started crying; that must have been one of them. So Renji's shock is renewed, clear in how he stared in wide-eyed astonishment at the ribbons, before Keigo seized his attention back as he plucked out the only red ribbon in a sea of white. A fraying end pointed straight at his chest while the other curled in the air.
Even more shocking, though, was what Keigo was saying. It struck him again that Keigo was strange in how abashedly straightforward he was, that he could be so candid about how much Renji meant to him even when it was obvious that it was embarrassing. He'd never met anyone like that before, who gave their affection so lavishly, with such generosity, and left himself so vulnerable. And he still didn't know what had earned him this esteem from Keigo, that just touching his reiatsu acted as a remedy for his anxieties.
There were a few pronounced seconds of silence as Renji groped for a response. In some ways, this was harder to talk about than Keigo having his memory wiped away and played with. Renji could give reassurance and be supportive in his own gruff and unreasonable sort of way. This was an invitation to be sensitive and sentimental, and he was never very good at that. He had never been shown how and was too old to learn. ]
...What the hell.
[ His face steadily took on a reddish tinge again, even deeper than when he was recalling every piece of erotic mental footage of Keigo that his mind had compiled so carefully for him. His gaze turned to the side, like it was blinding to look at Keigo and his innocent admiration. ]
You know my number. Ain't that easier?
[ He knew it wasn't, but he wanted to make it easier. Knowing Keigo had been agonizing over this all this time, distressed and alone while he wondered if his mind was unraveling, felt like a failure on his part. He watched Keigo so closely sometimes, and he still didn't pick up on it. He should have noticed sooner. He should have put it together. If he did, maybe he wouldn't have suffered this long on his own. ]
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and keigo nearly continued to keep that part to himself. he looked down at the floor for a moment, then lifted his gaze to renji again. he noted the flushed look on his face, how he was struggling to justify the admission keigo had willingly given up. keigo thought about it in that moment. how often he kept things to himself, how much he truly kept bottled up inside. how much he despaired when his friends did the same thing to him, when they refused to open up to him.
did he really want to continue to do that to renji? he meant so much to him and yet he was repeating a bad habit that he hated to be on the receiving end of himself. sighing briskly, keigo let the ribbon hang in the air, his fingers brushing over the reishi before reaching to grab one of renji's hands. he tried to keep a measured look, but he simply couldn't will the redness away that still blossomed across his face.
at least he sounded somewhat calm as he spoke. ]
I'm sorry... I guess... I don't want to bother you with my problems. It's a burden sometimes, being my friend. [ or at least, that was the perception he had developed. ] I'm selfish and loud and I complain a lot... I think I whine about something new every day. [ he laughed a little, then squeezed renji's hand gently. ] So I figure that ... telling people the things that really bother me is overkill, I guess.
[ he tilted his head slightly, canting it toward the ribbon that still floated nearby. ] This way, I can feel you near me and I have a sort of physical tether to focus on. It's kinda like a middle ground for me.
[ keigo was silent briefly, glancing back at renji with pursed lips. ] ... I'm probably over-explaining, aren't I? I guess the long and short of it is that I'm not used to bringing up things that really bother me.
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You are loud and you do complain a lot and whine about somethin' new every day. And you're always reactin' in the most dramatic way a person can and you cry more than anybody I ever met...
[ With affection that was scarcely concealed by his irritation, his free hand lifted to brush the corner of Keigo's eyes, turning quickly into a brief, light pinch of his cheeks. ]
You got extra water in there you save just for cryin'?
[ His smile was small and wry at that short digression before he took a deep breath and continued, speaking with deliberate thought that was unusual for him. ]
But you ain't selfish. And you don't have to hide what really bothers you. It ain't a burden. It's important.
[ It was vexing, how much Keigo hid away out of some misplaced idea that his problems weren't worth troubling another person over. It was also vexing how much Renji wished he'd just open up to him. He was not the man that most people went to for comfort, at least not the kind that didn't involve alcohol and cathartic fistfights, but he wasn't about to let Keigo keep all his worries to himself. Especially not if he was going to use his ribbon to soothe himself when Renji was right there.
If what Keigo wanted was a tether, Renji wanted to show him how much a strip of reishi was a non-compromise compared to the real thing. He was careful and slow, almost methodical, as he gently pulled his hand from Keigo's grip to take one of his wrists. His hand slid down to envelop his, thumb curling over his palm and fingers closing over his. It's intensely embarrassing, and he didn't know how Keigo managed to do it and still sound relatively together. He had to take a break, a short pause where he wondered where all this capacity for intimate comforting came from, if it was the VR experience that left an imprint on him when he looked at Keigo or if that was a convenient excuse for the rare moments he reached out to grasp the things he wanted to hold onto. ]
And if it's important, you shouldn't leave it unsaid.
[ His eyes shifted downwards briefly, as if he could see piled at his feet all the unspoken words he'd accumulated in his near-century of living. All the words he wasn't saying now. That pile must reach well past his knees by this point, past his chest, past his neck. It was a hypocritical thing to tell him, but Keigo was young and not quite as practiced at letting the words die in his throat. ]
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he flinched, frowned at renji even as he bore witness to the way he smiled at him. the words he spoke might have been met with internal resistance at first (why would anything regarding his feelings and worries be anything short of frivolous?) but the second renji slid his fingers around his wrist, around his hand, the true gravity sunk into him. it dragged him down, enveloped in a sensation of true belonging all over again, tinged with something more.
it was a layered experience. it felt like more than just a promise of friendship and the generic understanding that came part and parcel with it. it felt deeper than that, but he couldn't pretend to truly grasp to what end. keigo was frightened to consider any sort of deeper meaning, terrified of his own desperate need for it to be true, and angry that he would allow himself to expect anything of the sort. as a result, he could only look down at their joined hands, at how renji's eclipsed his own in their grasp. it felt safe, yet still so dangerous.
keigo breathed out. what renji said hadn't fallen on deaf ears. quite the opposite, really. while he wasn't typically eager to brush aside the insecurities he had about himself, the guilt of disregarding what renji said, what he clearly felt and believed, was more than enough to at least motivate keigo to try.
but putting words to that feeling was an extensive project that would take more than a few seconds to finish. he couldn't stand there in silence, either. a middle ground would have to be attained, and given how they stood, keigo decided to let another impulse grab him by the wrist and take him on another ill-advised journey.
they were already close enough to each other, so it wasn't a difficult movement. keigo simply took that half-step in, renji's hands still clasped in place and keigo showing no desire to change that. once close enough as he would dare, keigo tipped his chin up, turned his head at the proper angle. renji was already looking down and that made it all the easier to capture his lips in a soft, chaste kiss. the kiss lingered, but didn't venture far; no tongue, no teeth, no breathy exhales to entice. just a kiss, sweet and as intimate as their conversation had been.
keigo broke the kiss after a moment and stepped back to his original position. he was smiling, grateful and something more. always that "something more" that he yearned for but was too afraid to give form to. ]
Thank you, Renji.
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Renji let his hand slip from Keigo's hip as he stepped back and ignored the impulse to analyze what this tender kiss meant beyond that. They had intense sexual chemistry and equally intense friendship. If there was potential for more to their relationship than that, well. It just wasn't possible for a shinigami and a human to be together in the real world, and it was a waste of time thinking about impossibilities.
Instead, he fixed his focus on Keigo's smile, relieved to see that after all the tears the clouds had cleared.
His response was quick and blunt as if he was trying to show how unaffected he was and failing, in no small part thanks to how his face was still tinged with spots of red. ]
No problem.
[ Renji released Keigo's hand after a second as if he fitted so comfortably in his grasp that he'd forgotten he was holding him. He felt the danger in their entwined hands, too. Keigo could be as free as he wanted to express his profound admiration for him, but Renji couldn't bare his soul to Keigo any more than he already had. It was overwhelmingly embarrassing to think he'd ever said so plainly how much their bond meant to him.
He rubbed the back of his neck, stepping back to put a little more space between them, and glanced askance. ]
So... don't keep that kinda shit to yourself anymore.
[ His eyes flicked briefly back to Keigo's face, gauging if he could tell that Renji really meant that he didn't want Keigo to keep his troubles from him. Even without their hands knit tight together, he felt like he'd unwittingly let Keigo slip into a crack in his facade of collected assurance. ]
Alright?