[ Renji nearly jumped out of his skin when the ribbons manifested around them, flooding the room with the reiatsu of the hundreds of people in the station, reified in twisting bands of white.
If he was being honest, he had forgotten that he'd walked in on Keigo right in the middle of performing reiraku. A lot of thoughts flew out of his head the moment Keigo started crying; that must have been one of them. So Renji's shock is renewed, clear in how he stared in wide-eyed astonishment at the ribbons, before Keigo seized his attention back as he plucked out the only red ribbon in a sea of white. A fraying end pointed straight at his chest while the other curled in the air.
Even more shocking, though, was what Keigo was saying. It struck him again that Keigo was strange in how abashedly straightforward he was, that he could be so candid about how much Renji meant to him even when it was obvious that it was embarrassing. He'd never met anyone like that before, who gave their affection so lavishly, with such generosity, and left himself so vulnerable. And he still didn't know what had earned him this esteem from Keigo, that just touching his reiatsu acted as a remedy for his anxieties.
There were a few pronounced seconds of silence as Renji groped for a response. In some ways, this was harder to talk about than Keigo having his memory wiped away and played with. Renji could give reassurance and be supportive in his own gruff and unreasonable sort of way. This was an invitation to be sensitive and sentimental, and he was never very good at that. He had never been shown how and was too old to learn. ]
...What the hell.
[ His face steadily took on a reddish tinge again, even deeper than when he was recalling every piece of erotic mental footage of Keigo that his mind had compiled so carefully for him. His gaze turned to the side, like it was blinding to look at Keigo and his innocent admiration. ]
You know my number. Ain't that easier?
[ He knew it wasn't, but he wanted to make it easier. Knowing Keigo had been agonizing over this all this time, distressed and alone while he wondered if his mind was unraveling, felt like a failure on his part. He watched Keigo so closely sometimes, and he still didn't pick up on it. He should have noticed sooner. He should have put it together. If he did, maybe he wouldn't have suffered this long on his own. ]
[ unfortunately for renji, keigo was the type of person who was eager to take the easiest route possible when it came to doing just about anything, for the most part. once he'd realized he was able to perform this little parlor trick (at least that's how he felt about it) it was only natural that he'd do it again and again. for as selfish as keigo could be, he also knew that his demanding nature could push people away. and renji was not a person he felt he should trouble with his problems so directly and so frequently.
and keigo nearly continued to keep that part to himself. he looked down at the floor for a moment, then lifted his gaze to renji again. he noted the flushed look on his face, how he was struggling to justify the admission keigo had willingly given up. keigo thought about it in that moment. how often he kept things to himself, how much he truly kept bottled up inside. how much he despaired when his friends did the same thing to him, when they refused to open up to him.
did he really want to continue to do that to renji? he meant so much to him and yet he was repeating a bad habit that he hated to be on the receiving end of himself. sighing briskly, keigo let the ribbon hang in the air, his fingers brushing over the reishi before reaching to grab one of renji's hands. he tried to keep a measured look, but he simply couldn't will the redness away that still blossomed across his face.
at least he sounded somewhat calm as he spoke. ]
I'm sorry... I guess... I don't want to bother you with my problems. It's a burden sometimes, being my friend. [ or at least, that was the perception he had developed. ] I'm selfish and loud and I complain a lot... I think I whine about something new every day. [ he laughed a little, then squeezed renji's hand gently. ] So I figure that ... telling people the things that really bother me is overkill, I guess.
[ he tilted his head slightly, canting it toward the ribbon that still floated nearby. ] This way, I can feel you near me and I have a sort of physical tether to focus on. It's kinda like a middle ground for me.
[ keigo was silent briefly, glancing back at renji with pursed lips. ] ... I'm probably over-explaining, aren't I? I guess the long and short of it is that I'm not used to bringing up things that really bother me.
[ Renji didn't do more than give a quick look down as Keigo took his hand before his gaze was drawn back to his face. He took in Keigo's explanation, and the way he talked about himself like he was a troublesome sack to be loaded on a mule, and he frowned. He had that mildly irritated look on his face, furrows deepening along his brow, and his voice had that extra texture of heated aggravation. ]
You are loud and you do complain a lot and whine about somethin' new every day. And you're always reactin' in the most dramatic way a person can and you cry more than anybody I ever met...
[ With affection that was scarcely concealed by his irritation, his free hand lifted to brush the corner of Keigo's eyes, turning quickly into a brief, light pinch of his cheeks. ]
You got extra water in there you save just for cryin'?
[ His smile was small and wry at that short digression before he took a deep breath and continued, speaking with deliberate thought that was unusual for him. ]
But you ain't selfish. And you don't have to hide what really bothers you. It ain't a burden. It's important.
[ It was vexing, how much Keigo hid away out of some misplaced idea that his problems weren't worth troubling another person over. It was also vexing how much Renji wished he'd just open up to him. He was not the man that most people went to for comfort, at least not the kind that didn't involve alcohol and cathartic fistfights, but he wasn't about to let Keigo keep all his worries to himself. Especially not if he was going to use his ribbon to soothe himself when Renji was right there.
If what Keigo wanted was a tether, Renji wanted to show him how much a strip of reishi was a non-compromise compared to the real thing. He was careful and slow, almost methodical, as he gently pulled his hand from Keigo's grip to take one of his wrists. His hand slid down to envelop his, thumb curling over his palm and fingers closing over his. It's intensely embarrassing, and he didn't know how Keigo managed to do it and still sound relatively together. He had to take a break, a short pause where he wondered where all this capacity for intimate comforting came from, if it was the VR experience that left an imprint on him when he looked at Keigo or if that was a convenient excuse for the rare moments he reached out to grasp the things he wanted to hold onto. ]
And if it's important, you shouldn't leave it unsaid.
[ His eyes shifted downwards briefly, as if he could see piled at his feet all the unspoken words he'd accumulated in his near-century of living. All the words he wasn't saying now. That pile must reach well past his knees by this point, past his chest, past his neck. It was a hypocritical thing to tell him, but Keigo was young and not quite as practiced at letting the words die in his throat. ]
[ if keigo truly thought on it for more than a second, he probably would have stopped himself from making such an intimate display so flagrantly. but controlling impulses was not a strong suit of his, resulting in many bruises and scars over the years. keigo could deal with those repercussions, the physical sting of retaliation, but it was the interpersonal relations that he truly feared for. so far, it looked as though this particular impulse wasn't met with intrinsic resistance, which was an interesting thing to consider. the way renji moved to touch his face so tenderly arrested keigo's thoughts completely, which left him open to the shock of getting his face pinched, as light as it might have been.
he flinched, frowned at renji even as he bore witness to the way he smiled at him. the words he spoke might have been met with internal resistance at first (why would anything regarding his feelings and worries be anything short of frivolous?) but the second renji slid his fingers around his wrist, around his hand, the true gravity sunk into him. it dragged him down, enveloped in a sensation of true belonging all over again, tinged with something more.
it was a layered experience. it felt like more than just a promise of friendship and the generic understanding that came part and parcel with it. it felt deeper than that, but he couldn't pretend to truly grasp to what end. keigo was frightened to consider any sort of deeper meaning, terrified of his own desperate need for it to be true, and angry that he would allow himself to expect anything of the sort. as a result, he could only look down at their joined hands, at how renji's eclipsed his own in their grasp. it felt safe, yet still so dangerous.
keigo breathed out. what renji said hadn't fallen on deaf ears. quite the opposite, really. while he wasn't typically eager to brush aside the insecurities he had about himself, the guilt of disregarding what renji said, what he clearly felt and believed, was more than enough to at least motivate keigo to try.
but putting words to that feeling was an extensive project that would take more than a few seconds to finish. he couldn't stand there in silence, either. a middle ground would have to be attained, and given how they stood, keigo decided to let another impulse grab him by the wrist and take him on another ill-advised journey.
they were already close enough to each other, so it wasn't a difficult movement. keigo simply took that half-step in, renji's hands still clasped in place and keigo showing no desire to change that. once close enough as he would dare, keigo tipped his chin up, turned his head at the proper angle. renji was already looking down and that made it all the easier to capture his lips in a soft, chaste kiss. the kiss lingered, but didn't venture far; no tongue, no teeth, no breathy exhales to entice. just a kiss, sweet and as intimate as their conversation had been.
keigo broke the kiss after a moment and stepped back to his original position. he was smiling, grateful and something more. always that "something more" that he yearned for but was too afraid to give form to. ]
[ The kiss caused Renji to still. All the anxious shifting of his feet and the searching look in his eyes as Keigo dragged on the silence once again came to a halt when his lips pressed onto his. For all his inhuman speed, it still took him by surprise. Without thinking, his hand not already grasping Keigo's settled on his hip, gently drawing him near. It wasn't anything like the way they'd kissed before, void of greedy desperation threaded with hot lust and need. And Renji didn't make it anything more than it was, something soft and close between... two people.
Renji let his hand slip from Keigo's hip as he stepped back and ignored the impulse to analyze what this tender kiss meant beyond that. They had intense sexual chemistry and equally intense friendship. If there was potential for more to their relationship than that, well. It just wasn't possible for a shinigami and a human to be together in the real world, and it was a waste of time thinking about impossibilities.
Instead, he fixed his focus on Keigo's smile, relieved to see that after all the tears the clouds had cleared.
His response was quick and blunt as if he was trying to show how unaffected he was and failing, in no small part thanks to how his face was still tinged with spots of red. ]
No problem.
[ Renji released Keigo's hand after a second as if he fitted so comfortably in his grasp that he'd forgotten he was holding him. He felt the danger in their entwined hands, too. Keigo could be as free as he wanted to express his profound admiration for him, but Renji couldn't bare his soul to Keigo any more than he already had. It was overwhelmingly embarrassing to think he'd ever said so plainly how much their bond meant to him.
He rubbed the back of his neck, stepping back to put a little more space between them, and glanced askance. ]
So... don't keep that kinda shit to yourself anymore.
[ His eyes flicked briefly back to Keigo's face, gauging if he could tell that Renji really meant that he didn't want Keigo to keep his troubles from him. Even without their hands knit tight together, he felt like he'd unwittingly let Keigo slip into a crack in his facade of collected assurance. ]
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reachingfangs) wrote2018-01-08 12:54 pm
no subject
If he was being honest, he had forgotten that he'd walked in on Keigo right in the middle of performing reiraku. A lot of thoughts flew out of his head the moment Keigo started crying; that must have been one of them. So Renji's shock is renewed, clear in how he stared in wide-eyed astonishment at the ribbons, before Keigo seized his attention back as he plucked out the only red ribbon in a sea of white. A fraying end pointed straight at his chest while the other curled in the air.
Even more shocking, though, was what Keigo was saying. It struck him again that Keigo was strange in how abashedly straightforward he was, that he could be so candid about how much Renji meant to him even when it was obvious that it was embarrassing. He'd never met anyone like that before, who gave their affection so lavishly, with such generosity, and left himself so vulnerable. And he still didn't know what had earned him this esteem from Keigo, that just touching his reiatsu acted as a remedy for his anxieties.
There were a few pronounced seconds of silence as Renji groped for a response. In some ways, this was harder to talk about than Keigo having his memory wiped away and played with. Renji could give reassurance and be supportive in his own gruff and unreasonable sort of way. This was an invitation to be sensitive and sentimental, and he was never very good at that. He had never been shown how and was too old to learn. ]
...What the hell.
[ His face steadily took on a reddish tinge again, even deeper than when he was recalling every piece of erotic mental footage of Keigo that his mind had compiled so carefully for him. His gaze turned to the side, like it was blinding to look at Keigo and his innocent admiration. ]
You know my number. Ain't that easier?
[ He knew it wasn't, but he wanted to make it easier. Knowing Keigo had been agonizing over this all this time, distressed and alone while he wondered if his mind was unraveling, felt like a failure on his part. He watched Keigo so closely sometimes, and he still didn't pick up on it. He should have noticed sooner. He should have put it together. If he did, maybe he wouldn't have suffered this long on his own. ]
no subject
and keigo nearly continued to keep that part to himself. he looked down at the floor for a moment, then lifted his gaze to renji again. he noted the flushed look on his face, how he was struggling to justify the admission keigo had willingly given up. keigo thought about it in that moment. how often he kept things to himself, how much he truly kept bottled up inside. how much he despaired when his friends did the same thing to him, when they refused to open up to him.
did he really want to continue to do that to renji? he meant so much to him and yet he was repeating a bad habit that he hated to be on the receiving end of himself. sighing briskly, keigo let the ribbon hang in the air, his fingers brushing over the reishi before reaching to grab one of renji's hands. he tried to keep a measured look, but he simply couldn't will the redness away that still blossomed across his face.
at least he sounded somewhat calm as he spoke. ]
I'm sorry... I guess... I don't want to bother you with my problems. It's a burden sometimes, being my friend. [ or at least, that was the perception he had developed. ] I'm selfish and loud and I complain a lot... I think I whine about something new every day. [ he laughed a little, then squeezed renji's hand gently. ] So I figure that ... telling people the things that really bother me is overkill, I guess.
[ he tilted his head slightly, canting it toward the ribbon that still floated nearby. ] This way, I can feel you near me and I have a sort of physical tether to focus on. It's kinda like a middle ground for me.
[ keigo was silent briefly, glancing back at renji with pursed lips. ] ... I'm probably over-explaining, aren't I? I guess the long and short of it is that I'm not used to bringing up things that really bother me.
no subject
You are loud and you do complain a lot and whine about somethin' new every day. And you're always reactin' in the most dramatic way a person can and you cry more than anybody I ever met...
[ With affection that was scarcely concealed by his irritation, his free hand lifted to brush the corner of Keigo's eyes, turning quickly into a brief, light pinch of his cheeks. ]
You got extra water in there you save just for cryin'?
[ His smile was small and wry at that short digression before he took a deep breath and continued, speaking with deliberate thought that was unusual for him. ]
But you ain't selfish. And you don't have to hide what really bothers you. It ain't a burden. It's important.
[ It was vexing, how much Keigo hid away out of some misplaced idea that his problems weren't worth troubling another person over. It was also vexing how much Renji wished he'd just open up to him. He was not the man that most people went to for comfort, at least not the kind that didn't involve alcohol and cathartic fistfights, but he wasn't about to let Keigo keep all his worries to himself. Especially not if he was going to use his ribbon to soothe himself when Renji was right there.
If what Keigo wanted was a tether, Renji wanted to show him how much a strip of reishi was a non-compromise compared to the real thing. He was careful and slow, almost methodical, as he gently pulled his hand from Keigo's grip to take one of his wrists. His hand slid down to envelop his, thumb curling over his palm and fingers closing over his. It's intensely embarrassing, and he didn't know how Keigo managed to do it and still sound relatively together. He had to take a break, a short pause where he wondered where all this capacity for intimate comforting came from, if it was the VR experience that left an imprint on him when he looked at Keigo or if that was a convenient excuse for the rare moments he reached out to grasp the things he wanted to hold onto. ]
And if it's important, you shouldn't leave it unsaid.
[ His eyes shifted downwards briefly, as if he could see piled at his feet all the unspoken words he'd accumulated in his near-century of living. All the words he wasn't saying now. That pile must reach well past his knees by this point, past his chest, past his neck. It was a hypocritical thing to tell him, but Keigo was young and not quite as practiced at letting the words die in his throat. ]
no subject
he flinched, frowned at renji even as he bore witness to the way he smiled at him. the words he spoke might have been met with internal resistance at first (why would anything regarding his feelings and worries be anything short of frivolous?) but the second renji slid his fingers around his wrist, around his hand, the true gravity sunk into him. it dragged him down, enveloped in a sensation of true belonging all over again, tinged with something more.
it was a layered experience. it felt like more than just a promise of friendship and the generic understanding that came part and parcel with it. it felt deeper than that, but he couldn't pretend to truly grasp to what end. keigo was frightened to consider any sort of deeper meaning, terrified of his own desperate need for it to be true, and angry that he would allow himself to expect anything of the sort. as a result, he could only look down at their joined hands, at how renji's eclipsed his own in their grasp. it felt safe, yet still so dangerous.
keigo breathed out. what renji said hadn't fallen on deaf ears. quite the opposite, really. while he wasn't typically eager to brush aside the insecurities he had about himself, the guilt of disregarding what renji said, what he clearly felt and believed, was more than enough to at least motivate keigo to try.
but putting words to that feeling was an extensive project that would take more than a few seconds to finish. he couldn't stand there in silence, either. a middle ground would have to be attained, and given how they stood, keigo decided to let another impulse grab him by the wrist and take him on another ill-advised journey.
they were already close enough to each other, so it wasn't a difficult movement. keigo simply took that half-step in, renji's hands still clasped in place and keigo showing no desire to change that. once close enough as he would dare, keigo tipped his chin up, turned his head at the proper angle. renji was already looking down and that made it all the easier to capture his lips in a soft, chaste kiss. the kiss lingered, but didn't venture far; no tongue, no teeth, no breathy exhales to entice. just a kiss, sweet and as intimate as their conversation had been.
keigo broke the kiss after a moment and stepped back to his original position. he was smiling, grateful and something more. always that "something more" that he yearned for but was too afraid to give form to. ]
Thank you, Renji.
no subject
Renji let his hand slip from Keigo's hip as he stepped back and ignored the impulse to analyze what this tender kiss meant beyond that. They had intense sexual chemistry and equally intense friendship. If there was potential for more to their relationship than that, well. It just wasn't possible for a shinigami and a human to be together in the real world, and it was a waste of time thinking about impossibilities.
Instead, he fixed his focus on Keigo's smile, relieved to see that after all the tears the clouds had cleared.
His response was quick and blunt as if he was trying to show how unaffected he was and failing, in no small part thanks to how his face was still tinged with spots of red. ]
No problem.
[ Renji released Keigo's hand after a second as if he fitted so comfortably in his grasp that he'd forgotten he was holding him. He felt the danger in their entwined hands, too. Keigo could be as free as he wanted to express his profound admiration for him, but Renji couldn't bare his soul to Keigo any more than he already had. It was overwhelmingly embarrassing to think he'd ever said so plainly how much their bond meant to him.
He rubbed the back of his neck, stepping back to put a little more space between them, and glanced askance. ]
So... don't keep that kinda shit to yourself anymore.
[ His eyes flicked briefly back to Keigo's face, gauging if he could tell that Renji really meant that he didn't want Keigo to keep his troubles from him. Even without their hands knit tight together, he felt like he'd unwittingly let Keigo slip into a crack in his facade of collected assurance. ]
Alright?