[ keigo didn't exactly expect renji to respond in a negative, but instead, perhaps hesitate before giving his answer. that would have at least telegraphed something to keigo, some sense of regret of everything they shared together. and in reality, keigo couldn't begrudge him for that. so much had happened out of renji's control, it only seemed natural that he'd have some misgivings, some desire to omit certain parts of their experiences together.
...but renji didn't hesitate. there was no trace of uncertainty in his expression, even as that color slowly flooded into view on his cheeks. in turn, keigo's mind also took to certain images, associating the way renji blushed with the playback of those experiences he'd figured he'd want to forget, if given the chance. and just as renji's face started to redden, so did keigo's; it was honestly not entirely what he meant to put focus on, but he couldn't deny it was part of it.
but lingering on the embarrassment was impossible as renji continued to express how he felt about the matter. even though keigo knew that renji cared, that renji wanted what was best for him, for whatever reason, it always returned a shock to his system whenever he vocalized that sentiment. that renji would even think so highly of their bond, a bond to a lowly human, made keigo's heart swell with adoration.
the bump of his fist between them radiated in his chest, resonating within him long after his touch had left. keigo's fingers slipped from renji's wrist. he was quite honestly speechless. no one... no one had ever been so adamant about anything regarding him before. it almost hurt how wonderful it felt to be accepted and wanted in someone's life.
and though keigo had just finished crying, he couldn't stop another flow of tears from coming to the surface. this time around, at least, keigo perhaps didn't look as distraught. his expression brightened, even as the tears rolled down his cheeks, even as his lower lip trembled. and rather than stand there and stare at renji like an idiot, keigo decided to do what he did best in moments of high emotion: throw himself forward at the first person within range.
unfortunately, that meant renji was going to get keigo launched at him at full force, arms wrapped around his neck. ]
Renji!! That's so heartfelt!!
[ keigo sobbed, pressing up against renji to the point of being on the balls of his feet. ]
No one's ever been so devoted to me before!! I promise I won't let you forget, either!! I'll make sure you'll remember no matter what!!
[ even though keigo knew, deep down, he couldn't actually guarantee that, the more idealistic and romantic side of him was in control now, riding the waves of his emotions. ]
[ Given their already close proximity and how Renji's stare was fixed on Keigo's face, beaming through the overflowing tears like sun on a rainy day, he really had no choice but to let Keigo hurled himself at him. A muffled bark of surprise left his lips as Keigo flung his arms around his neck and he didn't know that this position of Keigo crying on him was any better than the last one.
Renji's face turned to an even deeper shade of red, embarrassed to have laid his heart so bare for Keigo and even more embarrassed for Keigo to reciprocate with such a lavishly affectionate and emotional response. He didn't know why he expected anything halfway dignified from him, why he thought he could leave it at a smile and a nod and maybe not sob again. He didn't know why this totally sappy display made him so happy either, or why Keigo's promise that he'd make him remember rang so sweetly in his ears.
It wasn't even a second after Keigo had finished that Renji grabbed his forearms and pried him off with all his considerable strength. ]
Heartfelt my ass, I was just tellin' you the truth!!
[ Between the flush on his face and the way his brows drew together and how loudly he was protesting, the only clue that he wasn't angry was the look in his eyes, soft and warm and with a trace of concern. His grip on his arms slackened just a touch as his eyes met Keigo's but his hands didn't leave him. ]
[ though the tears continued to fall, keigo's lips were pulled into a grin so wide it nearly hurt. he was overwhelmed with the amount of sincere devotion renji had to their bond, to the point of wondering what he did to deserve it in the first place.
but he also knew that he wasn't going to get away with hugging renji like this forever. as predicted, renji pulled himself free, but that didn't dampen keigo's mood. instead, he looked just as elated as ever, to the point of giggling happily even as renji held them apart. it really didn't take much to bring keigo happiness, and even less to earn his trust. what renji provided was more than keigo could have ever hoped or asked for.
keigo looked up at renji, eyes still moist and glossy, but no real trace of sadness left. relief was the main motif of his expression, chased by gratitude and unfiltered adoration. he smiled, watching as renji's face flushed in that adorably flustered manner and how he tried to sound annoyed despite the look in his eyes.
keigo's heart fluttered again.
breathing in, he nodded, taking renji's words to heart. with a soft exhale, he finally responded with words rather than tears or laughter. ]
I never doubted that. I honestly rely on you all the time... even...
[ now it was keigo's turn to be a little embarrassed. he looked to one side and laughed, feeling his face turn red. ]
[ Renji wasn't sure that he could pinpoint a time when Keigo started to mean more to him than just a human that he knew. Keigo was something almost familiar in an alien environment, and that drew him to his company initially. Their worlds hardly ever crossed before, but it was tantalizingly close to home and, though he hardly ever talked about it, he missed home desperately.
Still, Renji couldn't think of a precise moment in time when he went from fellow expatriates and inmates to a friend. To someone who he couldn't stand to see miserable. To someone who he would spout all the stupid, saccharine, secret feelings in his heart for if it would mean he'd just stop crying and smile again.
It could have been when Keigo confessed that he'd confronted Aizen on his own and, through his disbelief, Renji realized that they had a lot more in common than he thought. It could have been the first time they'd gone drinking together and they fell into easy, relaxed banter that they'd continue every week after that. It may have been the time Keigo confessed to feeling safe around him and Renji later decided that he wanted it to stay that way. Maybe it was from the very beginning, when Keigo walked into that classroom and recognized him immediately and he felt like he wasn't entirely alone here.
Whenever it was, Renji knew that he wasn't about to lose this to some aliens. They'd taken so much from him already and he had to hold on to every last thing he got.
Renji's hand slipped over Keigo's arms before parting from him entirely, the colour fading from his face until what was left on his expression was a small smile and a searching look in his eyes as he tried to root out any traces of anxiety on his face. Finding none, he sighed out under his breath, shoulders slumping down to a more relaxed curve that immediately snapped back into a taut line when Keigo spoke. ]
Really? How so?
[ Curiosity sparked in his eyes. He liked to think it was pretty difficult for a human to pull one over him, even an exceptional human like Keigo. ]
[ keigo had found himself in a similar predicament. his feelings had built up over the course of months, but there was no distinct tipping point in his head. renji had been an entity in keigo's mind for years; something distant and far-off that he never really had to think about much. he didn't know anything about him, other than he had tattoos and was thuggish, and he hadn't even entertained the "what ifs" of getting to know him. but now, keigo could barely envision a day spent without him in some way. either in his thoughts or by his side, keigo always had some part of renji with him.
and no more obvious than the way he was able to pick up on his reiatsu so easily. a part of him that was always nearby, something keigo could practically reach out and touch.
a habit had formed and now he was left addicted.
the heat of shame colored keigo's skin as renji prodded further, his question feeling heavier than keigo would have liked. of course, to be fair, keigo had been the one to open the door in the first place. it was only natural that renji would step in once invited. ]
Mmn, well...
[ keigo breathed out softly, his eyes shutting shortly after. he was silent for a moment as he sought out renji's reiatsu and then brought form to it. the ribbons materialized again and keigo opened his eyes, reaching forward to grasp the only red one there. ]
...Like this.
[ he looked ashamed, positively shy and uncertain as he looked up at renji. a lopsided smile pulled at his lips, his brow knit as though he expected a reprimand. ]
When I feel ... upset or worried, I do this. I find you, I hold onto this until I feel better. So I've already relied on you plenty.
[ Renji nearly jumped out of his skin when the ribbons manifested around them, flooding the room with the reiatsu of the hundreds of people in the station, reified in twisting bands of white.
If he was being honest, he had forgotten that he'd walked in on Keigo right in the middle of performing reiraku. A lot of thoughts flew out of his head the moment Keigo started crying; that must have been one of them. So Renji's shock is renewed, clear in how he stared in wide-eyed astonishment at the ribbons, before Keigo seized his attention back as he plucked out the only red ribbon in a sea of white. A fraying end pointed straight at his chest while the other curled in the air.
Even more shocking, though, was what Keigo was saying. It struck him again that Keigo was strange in how abashedly straightforward he was, that he could be so candid about how much Renji meant to him even when it was obvious that it was embarrassing. He'd never met anyone like that before, who gave their affection so lavishly, with such generosity, and left himself so vulnerable. And he still didn't know what had earned him this esteem from Keigo, that just touching his reiatsu acted as a remedy for his anxieties.
There were a few pronounced seconds of silence as Renji groped for a response. In some ways, this was harder to talk about than Keigo having his memory wiped away and played with. Renji could give reassurance and be supportive in his own gruff and unreasonable sort of way. This was an invitation to be sensitive and sentimental, and he was never very good at that. He had never been shown how and was too old to learn. ]
...What the hell.
[ His face steadily took on a reddish tinge again, even deeper than when he was recalling every piece of erotic mental footage of Keigo that his mind had compiled so carefully for him. His gaze turned to the side, like it was blinding to look at Keigo and his innocent admiration. ]
You know my number. Ain't that easier?
[ He knew it wasn't, but he wanted to make it easier. Knowing Keigo had been agonizing over this all this time, distressed and alone while he wondered if his mind was unraveling, felt like a failure on his part. He watched Keigo so closely sometimes, and he still didn't pick up on it. He should have noticed sooner. He should have put it together. If he did, maybe he wouldn't have suffered this long on his own. ]
[ unfortunately for renji, keigo was the type of person who was eager to take the easiest route possible when it came to doing just about anything, for the most part. once he'd realized he was able to perform this little parlor trick (at least that's how he felt about it) it was only natural that he'd do it again and again. for as selfish as keigo could be, he also knew that his demanding nature could push people away. and renji was not a person he felt he should trouble with his problems so directly and so frequently.
and keigo nearly continued to keep that part to himself. he looked down at the floor for a moment, then lifted his gaze to renji again. he noted the flushed look on his face, how he was struggling to justify the admission keigo had willingly given up. keigo thought about it in that moment. how often he kept things to himself, how much he truly kept bottled up inside. how much he despaired when his friends did the same thing to him, when they refused to open up to him.
did he really want to continue to do that to renji? he meant so much to him and yet he was repeating a bad habit that he hated to be on the receiving end of himself. sighing briskly, keigo let the ribbon hang in the air, his fingers brushing over the reishi before reaching to grab one of renji's hands. he tried to keep a measured look, but he simply couldn't will the redness away that still blossomed across his face.
at least he sounded somewhat calm as he spoke. ]
I'm sorry... I guess... I don't want to bother you with my problems. It's a burden sometimes, being my friend. [ or at least, that was the perception he had developed. ] I'm selfish and loud and I complain a lot... I think I whine about something new every day. [ he laughed a little, then squeezed renji's hand gently. ] So I figure that ... telling people the things that really bother me is overkill, I guess.
[ he tilted his head slightly, canting it toward the ribbon that still floated nearby. ] This way, I can feel you near me and I have a sort of physical tether to focus on. It's kinda like a middle ground for me.
[ keigo was silent briefly, glancing back at renji with pursed lips. ] ... I'm probably over-explaining, aren't I? I guess the long and short of it is that I'm not used to bringing up things that really bother me.
[ Renji didn't do more than give a quick look down as Keigo took his hand before his gaze was drawn back to his face. He took in Keigo's explanation, and the way he talked about himself like he was a troublesome sack to be loaded on a mule, and he frowned. He had that mildly irritated look on his face, furrows deepening along his brow, and his voice had that extra texture of heated aggravation. ]
You are loud and you do complain a lot and whine about somethin' new every day. And you're always reactin' in the most dramatic way a person can and you cry more than anybody I ever met...
[ With affection that was scarcely concealed by his irritation, his free hand lifted to brush the corner of Keigo's eyes, turning quickly into a brief, light pinch of his cheeks. ]
You got extra water in there you save just for cryin'?
[ His smile was small and wry at that short digression before he took a deep breath and continued, speaking with deliberate thought that was unusual for him. ]
But you ain't selfish. And you don't have to hide what really bothers you. It ain't a burden. It's important.
[ It was vexing, how much Keigo hid away out of some misplaced idea that his problems weren't worth troubling another person over. It was also vexing how much Renji wished he'd just open up to him. He was not the man that most people went to for comfort, at least not the kind that didn't involve alcohol and cathartic fistfights, but he wasn't about to let Keigo keep all his worries to himself. Especially not if he was going to use his ribbon to soothe himself when Renji was right there.
If what Keigo wanted was a tether, Renji wanted to show him how much a strip of reishi was a non-compromise compared to the real thing. He was careful and slow, almost methodical, as he gently pulled his hand from Keigo's grip to take one of his wrists. His hand slid down to envelop his, thumb curling over his palm and fingers closing over his. It's intensely embarrassing, and he didn't know how Keigo managed to do it and still sound relatively together. He had to take a break, a short pause where he wondered where all this capacity for intimate comforting came from, if it was the VR experience that left an imprint on him when he looked at Keigo or if that was a convenient excuse for the rare moments he reached out to grasp the things he wanted to hold onto. ]
And if it's important, you shouldn't leave it unsaid.
[ His eyes shifted downwards briefly, as if he could see piled at his feet all the unspoken words he'd accumulated in his near-century of living. All the words he wasn't saying now. That pile must reach well past his knees by this point, past his chest, past his neck. It was a hypocritical thing to tell him, but Keigo was young and not quite as practiced at letting the words die in his throat. ]
[ if keigo truly thought on it for more than a second, he probably would have stopped himself from making such an intimate display so flagrantly. but controlling impulses was not a strong suit of his, resulting in many bruises and scars over the years. keigo could deal with those repercussions, the physical sting of retaliation, but it was the interpersonal relations that he truly feared for. so far, it looked as though this particular impulse wasn't met with intrinsic resistance, which was an interesting thing to consider. the way renji moved to touch his face so tenderly arrested keigo's thoughts completely, which left him open to the shock of getting his face pinched, as light as it might have been.
he flinched, frowned at renji even as he bore witness to the way he smiled at him. the words he spoke might have been met with internal resistance at first (why would anything regarding his feelings and worries be anything short of frivolous?) but the second renji slid his fingers around his wrist, around his hand, the true gravity sunk into him. it dragged him down, enveloped in a sensation of true belonging all over again, tinged with something more.
it was a layered experience. it felt like more than just a promise of friendship and the generic understanding that came part and parcel with it. it felt deeper than that, but he couldn't pretend to truly grasp to what end. keigo was frightened to consider any sort of deeper meaning, terrified of his own desperate need for it to be true, and angry that he would allow himself to expect anything of the sort. as a result, he could only look down at their joined hands, at how renji's eclipsed his own in their grasp. it felt safe, yet still so dangerous.
keigo breathed out. what renji said hadn't fallen on deaf ears. quite the opposite, really. while he wasn't typically eager to brush aside the insecurities he had about himself, the guilt of disregarding what renji said, what he clearly felt and believed, was more than enough to at least motivate keigo to try.
but putting words to that feeling was an extensive project that would take more than a few seconds to finish. he couldn't stand there in silence, either. a middle ground would have to be attained, and given how they stood, keigo decided to let another impulse grab him by the wrist and take him on another ill-advised journey.
they were already close enough to each other, so it wasn't a difficult movement. keigo simply took that half-step in, renji's hands still clasped in place and keigo showing no desire to change that. once close enough as he would dare, keigo tipped his chin up, turned his head at the proper angle. renji was already looking down and that made it all the easier to capture his lips in a soft, chaste kiss. the kiss lingered, but didn't venture far; no tongue, no teeth, no breathy exhales to entice. just a kiss, sweet and as intimate as their conversation had been.
keigo broke the kiss after a moment and stepped back to his original position. he was smiling, grateful and something more. always that "something more" that he yearned for but was too afraid to give form to. ]
[ The kiss caused Renji to still. All the anxious shifting of his feet and the searching look in his eyes as Keigo dragged on the silence once again came to a halt when his lips pressed onto his. For all his inhuman speed, it still took him by surprise. Without thinking, his hand not already grasping Keigo's settled on his hip, gently drawing him near. It wasn't anything like the way they'd kissed before, void of greedy desperation threaded with hot lust and need. And Renji didn't make it anything more than it was, something soft and close between... two people.
Renji let his hand slip from Keigo's hip as he stepped back and ignored the impulse to analyze what this tender kiss meant beyond that. They had intense sexual chemistry and equally intense friendship. If there was potential for more to their relationship than that, well. It just wasn't possible for a shinigami and a human to be together in the real world, and it was a waste of time thinking about impossibilities.
Instead, he fixed his focus on Keigo's smile, relieved to see that after all the tears the clouds had cleared.
His response was quick and blunt as if he was trying to show how unaffected he was and failing, in no small part thanks to how his face was still tinged with spots of red. ]
No problem.
[ Renji released Keigo's hand after a second as if he fitted so comfortably in his grasp that he'd forgotten he was holding him. He felt the danger in their entwined hands, too. Keigo could be as free as he wanted to express his profound admiration for him, but Renji couldn't bare his soul to Keigo any more than he already had. It was overwhelmingly embarrassing to think he'd ever said so plainly how much their bond meant to him.
He rubbed the back of his neck, stepping back to put a little more space between them, and glanced askance. ]
So... don't keep that kinda shit to yourself anymore.
[ His eyes flicked briefly back to Keigo's face, gauging if he could tell that Renji really meant that he didn't want Keigo to keep his troubles from him. Even without their hands knit tight together, he felt like he'd unwittingly let Keigo slip into a crack in his facade of collected assurance. ]
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reachingfangs) wrote2018-01-08 12:54 pm
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...but renji didn't hesitate. there was no trace of uncertainty in his expression, even as that color slowly flooded into view on his cheeks. in turn, keigo's mind also took to certain images, associating the way renji blushed with the playback of those experiences he'd figured he'd want to forget, if given the chance. and just as renji's face started to redden, so did keigo's; it was honestly not entirely what he meant to put focus on, but he couldn't deny it was part of it.
but lingering on the embarrassment was impossible as renji continued to express how he felt about the matter. even though keigo knew that renji cared, that renji wanted what was best for him, for whatever reason, it always returned a shock to his system whenever he vocalized that sentiment. that renji would even think so highly of their bond, a bond to a lowly human, made keigo's heart swell with adoration.
the bump of his fist between them radiated in his chest, resonating within him long after his touch had left. keigo's fingers slipped from renji's wrist. he was quite honestly speechless. no one... no one had ever been so adamant about anything regarding him before. it almost hurt how wonderful it felt to be accepted and wanted in someone's life.
and though keigo had just finished crying, he couldn't stop another flow of tears from coming to the surface. this time around, at least, keigo perhaps didn't look as distraught. his expression brightened, even as the tears rolled down his cheeks, even as his lower lip trembled. and rather than stand there and stare at renji like an idiot, keigo decided to do what he did best in moments of high emotion: throw himself forward at the first person within range.
unfortunately, that meant renji was going to get keigo launched at him at full force, arms wrapped around his neck. ]
Renji!! That's so heartfelt!!
[ keigo sobbed, pressing up against renji to the point of being on the balls of his feet. ]
No one's ever been so devoted to me before!! I promise I won't let you forget, either!! I'll make sure you'll remember no matter what!!
[ even though keigo knew, deep down, he couldn't actually guarantee that, the more idealistic and romantic side of him was in control now, riding the waves of his emotions. ]
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Renji's face turned to an even deeper shade of red, embarrassed to have laid his heart so bare for Keigo and even more embarrassed for Keigo to reciprocate with such a lavishly affectionate and emotional response. He didn't know why he expected anything halfway dignified from him, why he thought he could leave it at a smile and a nod and maybe not sob again. He didn't know why this totally sappy display made him so happy either, or why Keigo's promise that he'd make him remember rang so sweetly in his ears.
It wasn't even a second after Keigo had finished that Renji grabbed his forearms and pried him off with all his considerable strength. ]
Heartfelt my ass, I was just tellin' you the truth!!
[ Between the flush on his face and the way his brows drew together and how loudly he was protesting, the only clue that he wasn't angry was the look in his eyes, soft and warm and with a trace of concern. His grip on his arms slackened just a touch as his eyes met Keigo's but his hands didn't leave him. ]
Like I said... you can rely on me.
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but he also knew that he wasn't going to get away with hugging renji like this forever. as predicted, renji pulled himself free, but that didn't dampen keigo's mood. instead, he looked just as elated as ever, to the point of giggling happily even as renji held them apart. it really didn't take much to bring keigo happiness, and even less to earn his trust. what renji provided was more than keigo could have ever hoped or asked for.
keigo looked up at renji, eyes still moist and glossy, but no real trace of sadness left. relief was the main motif of his expression, chased by gratitude and unfiltered adoration. he smiled, watching as renji's face flushed in that adorably flustered manner and how he tried to sound annoyed despite the look in his eyes.
keigo's heart fluttered again.
breathing in, he nodded, taking renji's words to heart. with a soft exhale, he finally responded with words rather than tears or laughter. ]
I never doubted that. I honestly rely on you all the time... even...
[ now it was keigo's turn to be a little embarrassed. he looked to one side and laughed, feeling his face turn red. ]
Even when you don't realize it.
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Still, Renji couldn't think of a precise moment in time when he went from fellow expatriates and inmates to a friend. To someone who he couldn't stand to see miserable. To someone who he would spout all the stupid, saccharine, secret feelings in his heart for if it would mean he'd just stop crying and smile again.
It could have been when Keigo confessed that he'd confronted Aizen on his own and, through his disbelief, Renji realized that they had a lot more in common than he thought. It could have been the first time they'd gone drinking together and they fell into easy, relaxed banter that they'd continue every week after that. It may have been the time Keigo confessed to feeling safe around him and Renji later decided that he wanted it to stay that way. Maybe it was from the very beginning, when Keigo walked into that classroom and recognized him immediately and he felt like he wasn't entirely alone here.
Whenever it was, Renji knew that he wasn't about to lose this to some aliens. They'd taken so much from him already and he had to hold on to every last thing he got.
Renji's hand slipped over Keigo's arms before parting from him entirely, the colour fading from his face until what was left on his expression was a small smile and a searching look in his eyes as he tried to root out any traces of anxiety on his face. Finding none, he sighed out under his breath, shoulders slumping down to a more relaxed curve that immediately snapped back into a taut line when Keigo spoke. ]
Really? How so?
[ Curiosity sparked in his eyes. He liked to think it was pretty difficult for a human to pull one over him, even an exceptional human like Keigo. ]
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and no more obvious than the way he was able to pick up on his reiatsu so easily. a part of him that was always nearby, something keigo could practically reach out and touch.
a habit had formed and now he was left addicted.
the heat of shame colored keigo's skin as renji prodded further, his question feeling heavier than keigo would have liked. of course, to be fair, keigo had been the one to open the door in the first place. it was only natural that renji would step in once invited. ]
Mmn, well...
[ keigo breathed out softly, his eyes shutting shortly after. he was silent for a moment as he sought out renji's reiatsu and then brought form to it. the ribbons materialized again and keigo opened his eyes, reaching forward to grasp the only red one there. ]
...Like this.
[ he looked ashamed, positively shy and uncertain as he looked up at renji. a lopsided smile pulled at his lips, his brow knit as though he expected a reprimand. ]
When I feel ... upset or worried, I do this. I find you, I hold onto this until I feel better. So I've already relied on you plenty.
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If he was being honest, he had forgotten that he'd walked in on Keigo right in the middle of performing reiraku. A lot of thoughts flew out of his head the moment Keigo started crying; that must have been one of them. So Renji's shock is renewed, clear in how he stared in wide-eyed astonishment at the ribbons, before Keigo seized his attention back as he plucked out the only red ribbon in a sea of white. A fraying end pointed straight at his chest while the other curled in the air.
Even more shocking, though, was what Keigo was saying. It struck him again that Keigo was strange in how abashedly straightforward he was, that he could be so candid about how much Renji meant to him even when it was obvious that it was embarrassing. He'd never met anyone like that before, who gave their affection so lavishly, with such generosity, and left himself so vulnerable. And he still didn't know what had earned him this esteem from Keigo, that just touching his reiatsu acted as a remedy for his anxieties.
There were a few pronounced seconds of silence as Renji groped for a response. In some ways, this was harder to talk about than Keigo having his memory wiped away and played with. Renji could give reassurance and be supportive in his own gruff and unreasonable sort of way. This was an invitation to be sensitive and sentimental, and he was never very good at that. He had never been shown how and was too old to learn. ]
...What the hell.
[ His face steadily took on a reddish tinge again, even deeper than when he was recalling every piece of erotic mental footage of Keigo that his mind had compiled so carefully for him. His gaze turned to the side, like it was blinding to look at Keigo and his innocent admiration. ]
You know my number. Ain't that easier?
[ He knew it wasn't, but he wanted to make it easier. Knowing Keigo had been agonizing over this all this time, distressed and alone while he wondered if his mind was unraveling, felt like a failure on his part. He watched Keigo so closely sometimes, and he still didn't pick up on it. He should have noticed sooner. He should have put it together. If he did, maybe he wouldn't have suffered this long on his own. ]
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and keigo nearly continued to keep that part to himself. he looked down at the floor for a moment, then lifted his gaze to renji again. he noted the flushed look on his face, how he was struggling to justify the admission keigo had willingly given up. keigo thought about it in that moment. how often he kept things to himself, how much he truly kept bottled up inside. how much he despaired when his friends did the same thing to him, when they refused to open up to him.
did he really want to continue to do that to renji? he meant so much to him and yet he was repeating a bad habit that he hated to be on the receiving end of himself. sighing briskly, keigo let the ribbon hang in the air, his fingers brushing over the reishi before reaching to grab one of renji's hands. he tried to keep a measured look, but he simply couldn't will the redness away that still blossomed across his face.
at least he sounded somewhat calm as he spoke. ]
I'm sorry... I guess... I don't want to bother you with my problems. It's a burden sometimes, being my friend. [ or at least, that was the perception he had developed. ] I'm selfish and loud and I complain a lot... I think I whine about something new every day. [ he laughed a little, then squeezed renji's hand gently. ] So I figure that ... telling people the things that really bother me is overkill, I guess.
[ he tilted his head slightly, canting it toward the ribbon that still floated nearby. ] This way, I can feel you near me and I have a sort of physical tether to focus on. It's kinda like a middle ground for me.
[ keigo was silent briefly, glancing back at renji with pursed lips. ] ... I'm probably over-explaining, aren't I? I guess the long and short of it is that I'm not used to bringing up things that really bother me.
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You are loud and you do complain a lot and whine about somethin' new every day. And you're always reactin' in the most dramatic way a person can and you cry more than anybody I ever met...
[ With affection that was scarcely concealed by his irritation, his free hand lifted to brush the corner of Keigo's eyes, turning quickly into a brief, light pinch of his cheeks. ]
You got extra water in there you save just for cryin'?
[ His smile was small and wry at that short digression before he took a deep breath and continued, speaking with deliberate thought that was unusual for him. ]
But you ain't selfish. And you don't have to hide what really bothers you. It ain't a burden. It's important.
[ It was vexing, how much Keigo hid away out of some misplaced idea that his problems weren't worth troubling another person over. It was also vexing how much Renji wished he'd just open up to him. He was not the man that most people went to for comfort, at least not the kind that didn't involve alcohol and cathartic fistfights, but he wasn't about to let Keigo keep all his worries to himself. Especially not if he was going to use his ribbon to soothe himself when Renji was right there.
If what Keigo wanted was a tether, Renji wanted to show him how much a strip of reishi was a non-compromise compared to the real thing. He was careful and slow, almost methodical, as he gently pulled his hand from Keigo's grip to take one of his wrists. His hand slid down to envelop his, thumb curling over his palm and fingers closing over his. It's intensely embarrassing, and he didn't know how Keigo managed to do it and still sound relatively together. He had to take a break, a short pause where he wondered where all this capacity for intimate comforting came from, if it was the VR experience that left an imprint on him when he looked at Keigo or if that was a convenient excuse for the rare moments he reached out to grasp the things he wanted to hold onto. ]
And if it's important, you shouldn't leave it unsaid.
[ His eyes shifted downwards briefly, as if he could see piled at his feet all the unspoken words he'd accumulated in his near-century of living. All the words he wasn't saying now. That pile must reach well past his knees by this point, past his chest, past his neck. It was a hypocritical thing to tell him, but Keigo was young and not quite as practiced at letting the words die in his throat. ]
no subject
he flinched, frowned at renji even as he bore witness to the way he smiled at him. the words he spoke might have been met with internal resistance at first (why would anything regarding his feelings and worries be anything short of frivolous?) but the second renji slid his fingers around his wrist, around his hand, the true gravity sunk into him. it dragged him down, enveloped in a sensation of true belonging all over again, tinged with something more.
it was a layered experience. it felt like more than just a promise of friendship and the generic understanding that came part and parcel with it. it felt deeper than that, but he couldn't pretend to truly grasp to what end. keigo was frightened to consider any sort of deeper meaning, terrified of his own desperate need for it to be true, and angry that he would allow himself to expect anything of the sort. as a result, he could only look down at their joined hands, at how renji's eclipsed his own in their grasp. it felt safe, yet still so dangerous.
keigo breathed out. what renji said hadn't fallen on deaf ears. quite the opposite, really. while he wasn't typically eager to brush aside the insecurities he had about himself, the guilt of disregarding what renji said, what he clearly felt and believed, was more than enough to at least motivate keigo to try.
but putting words to that feeling was an extensive project that would take more than a few seconds to finish. he couldn't stand there in silence, either. a middle ground would have to be attained, and given how they stood, keigo decided to let another impulse grab him by the wrist and take him on another ill-advised journey.
they were already close enough to each other, so it wasn't a difficult movement. keigo simply took that half-step in, renji's hands still clasped in place and keigo showing no desire to change that. once close enough as he would dare, keigo tipped his chin up, turned his head at the proper angle. renji was already looking down and that made it all the easier to capture his lips in a soft, chaste kiss. the kiss lingered, but didn't venture far; no tongue, no teeth, no breathy exhales to entice. just a kiss, sweet and as intimate as their conversation had been.
keigo broke the kiss after a moment and stepped back to his original position. he was smiling, grateful and something more. always that "something more" that he yearned for but was too afraid to give form to. ]
Thank you, Renji.
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Renji let his hand slip from Keigo's hip as he stepped back and ignored the impulse to analyze what this tender kiss meant beyond that. They had intense sexual chemistry and equally intense friendship. If there was potential for more to their relationship than that, well. It just wasn't possible for a shinigami and a human to be together in the real world, and it was a waste of time thinking about impossibilities.
Instead, he fixed his focus on Keigo's smile, relieved to see that after all the tears the clouds had cleared.
His response was quick and blunt as if he was trying to show how unaffected he was and failing, in no small part thanks to how his face was still tinged with spots of red. ]
No problem.
[ Renji released Keigo's hand after a second as if he fitted so comfortably in his grasp that he'd forgotten he was holding him. He felt the danger in their entwined hands, too. Keigo could be as free as he wanted to express his profound admiration for him, but Renji couldn't bare his soul to Keigo any more than he already had. It was overwhelmingly embarrassing to think he'd ever said so plainly how much their bond meant to him.
He rubbed the back of his neck, stepping back to put a little more space between them, and glanced askance. ]
So... don't keep that kinda shit to yourself anymore.
[ His eyes flicked briefly back to Keigo's face, gauging if he could tell that Renji really meant that he didn't want Keigo to keep his troubles from him. Even without their hands knit tight together, he felt like he'd unwittingly let Keigo slip into a crack in his facade of collected assurance. ]
Alright?